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Healing Head Trauma – Chatty Update

Hello poppets!

How are we getting on?

I have had some great feedback from the bits ive been putting out on managing anxieties and shifting our mindsets during this current time.

Today I am sharing with you a little chatty update in regards to my ‘healing my head trauma’ series. [Video at the end of post] It has been highly requested by you guys to talk some more about this topic and though I haven’t been to any appointments necessarily, I have had a few lightbulb moments!

You know what

I really want to start this by thanking everyone for the response after me opening up about this topic. Though i touched a little on abuse and neglect during my journey through nutrition and bettering my eating habits I feel this was almost going another step in to that and i wasn’t sure what the response was going be.

I have touched a bit on my blog before about why i don’t talk about my abuse or more the things that actually happened under that title. I don’t feel its needed and what i do is very much about lifting people out of that bubble that we can get stuck in.

Everyone has been nothing but supportive but funnily enough the strangest responses I had, was actually from friends. A few people back home had actually suspected a lot of my ‘symptoms’ from blank gazes to forgetfulness was from a head injury that occurred at some point in my life but didn’t really want to mention it because, well, why would you? They felt I already knew and that it was just a part of me. A lot of people also mentioned that the joking around the situation was all to make the situation lighter because of the reasons for how I am.

As i said in my last post I had some sort of idea because of my last therapist but i never had this constant idea in my head of ‘this is why I am like I am’ and again as I said previously, the jokes and things around this topic had just made me think it was silly old me.

Oh Jessica!

In terms of appointments I haven’t been to anymore since I first opened up to all of you about the topic. I was told that obviously i wouldn’t be having anymore for a while but during that time I should try and define more how this effects me and create a little list. It’s been that thing of trying to almost be aware and notice things but not just spend my whole time thinking about it and the things that happened.

I will start this by saying something that I’m not sure if I should say, but im going to anyway. I almost feel being in New Zealand has made this a bit harder to deal with or a bit more prominent.

I feel back home wether it be from my friendship group or that ‘northern banter’ those jokes around it or jokes and response made it a lot lighter for me and not as noticeable. For example if i had one of my blank moments or would forget what I was saying it wouldn’t be long before someone would say “you alright mate” and make a joke out of it.

Here I find peoples response are a bit more… “whats wrong with you?” essentially and people just look at me blankly and almost turning their noses up. That english banter i suppose has good points and bad because it made it lighter and less noticeable but also almost kept it hidden.

When it comes to more specific things i have noticed a few things and this time really has been valuable in that aspect. Though I’m obviously not sure if these things are attached its just left me wondering.

When i left my final therapy I was told I didn’t have enough symptoms left to be classed as having my disorders. I explained that though I was doing really well I was still quite noise sensitive. Now i used to be very noise sensitive. All those classic ‘loud noises’ you think of, fireworks, doors slamming, balloons popping but also things like the vacuum.

I remember so clearly when I was at one of my education centres and somebody spilt something in an art class and just naturally got the vacuum cleaner out to clean it up but I shot out the door. In fact I shot out the building. I didn’t think the vacuum was coming to get me, but that noise was just consuming me.

Now when I left my last therapy I definitely was no way near that bad but I was still sensitive to certain noises. As times gone by it has reduced again but there’s certain noises that i just don’t seem to like. One that I have noticed is if someones putting cutlery in the cutlery draw in the kitchen. That noise of them clashing together and hitting the tray, I just don’t like it. It’s not that overwhelming and consuming feeling that i used to have, but I’m ready for it to stop.

I always wondered why i was still a bit noise sensitive and I’m now wondering if this could be attached to the head trauma. I think those very extreme reactions to noises I used to have were more the trauma itself as there was always lots of loud noises in my house be it shouting or doors banging. I have looked things up a little bit online and it seems that could be the case but obviously thats not something that has been confirmed.

Another thing

Something else i have noticed is a bit more to do with my sight and almost that processing of information. Its not very often i scroll through social feeds be it facebook or instagram but i was looking for someone on my facebook friends list the other day. It was someone I had worked with previously but i couldn’t for the life of me remember their name. I started scrolling through my friends list but it didn’t take long before i started to feel an ache in my head, things had started to get blurry and i couldn’t really take in that information. I would imagine this was normal if I was scrolling through this very very quickly but I wasn’t I was just scrolling through at a speed that allowed me enough time to read the names on the screen.

Something i mentioned in my last post was that I was told doing things like puzzle or even video games can apparently improve things. I have been playing The Sims as you will know if you follow me on social media and I have been absolutely fine with that and really enjoying it but any faster moving games i just can’t cope with. I had been playing Mortal Kombat and a few other games but it was almost that same reaction as i had with the scrolling on facebook. It all just seems to get too much for me to take in, that fast pace just seems to give me a headaches and blurry vision again.

When it comes to blurry vision i also noticed something else. My eyes has started to get blurry during trying one of these games and I started moving my head around as people do to focus my vision and try and see. I can’t believe I’m even going to say this but, I realised in not only doing that but shaking my head I could see again. Not only could I ‘see again’ but I saw probably clearer than I normally do. I could read exactly what was on the screen before the most intense headache started.

It’s safe to say that scared me half to death and the whole experience and ‘realisation’ of this has just been very strange. You would think doing something in normal life i would of jiggled my head in some way to have noticed that and realised but I just haven’t. It’s now expanding from these ‘silly things’ i do or say and my blank moments to realising there is probably a lot more attached to this than i realise.

Im talking about some pretty major things and i have had a few moments of feeling quite scared and worried even though I have been like this longer than I haven’t but I have also taken some time to actually feel quite proud of what I’ve achieved despite this and how I have managed to continue and take it all along for the ride.

I was a nurse before I made this little space a full time job and worked with people with dementia. That job had huge responsibilities not only looking after others health and wellbeing but also doing things like medications. Still I would never doubt my ability to do that job and though I talk about being a bit silly or slow its something that I would say I did really well at.

I have still been able to better my mental health and learn lots of skills to set myself free of that. I have moved to the other side of the world, started my own business. Though this sounds so scary and so debilitating its important for me to remember that before I knew what all this was I was quite happy and I was quite happy and coping well with the way I was despite these challenges.

Something really nice I have found during this journey and this lockdown as well is I have rediscovered my love of drawing again. I drew non stop during my abuse and it was something that I really held on to during some really tough times in my life. It has been such a blessing to not only rediscover it but find something that I can do without having the headaches or other symptoms.

My whole heart

I have been really trying to hold on to those things but also remember where I have come from and it really is just balancing that. Though i really try and throw that positive aspect on mental health and building mental health skills and moving through our traumas this is that really raw and real side to what can happen to us and that real side to abuse.

As I have been going through this journey and learning more i fully believe i can make improvements on how i function and get to a place where i can do my public speaking easier and without struggling but again its something i have to deal with and from abuse.

During this time i have not only been making a little list of all these things but also been writing some speeches and really defining my message and what i want to say and also playing around with what’s easiest for me to remember. What cues and the lengths of those cues do i need to remember what i need to say. Its been quite fun to play around with that and quite exciting that I’m taking those steps forward to get to where i want to be.

Before I sign out I feel I need to say something that i feel is really important. With my last post and various social posts I had a lot of comments and messages from people saying things like “I do this too and I have had head injuries. I always wondered what it was” Firstly its really important to get these things checked out by a professional so you know exactly what this is and so you get the right help.

As i mentioned in my last video i didn’t know if some of these things were more of a trauma response than a head trauma response as a variety of mental health difficulties like for example PTSD can throw up confussion, lack of concentration etc so its important you get professional advice on what your symptoms are attached to and how to move through those things.

THANK YOU

Again, from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU for all your love and support. It means the absolute world to me.

Don’t forget my email and the various other inboxes I have scattered across social media are always open.

I will update things again if anything major comes to light or otherwise when I go back to my next appointment.


Look after yourselves team!

Sending you all my love and positivity at this current time.

We got this!

littlestlady

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