13.

Disclaimer:
This is a letter to my younger self at the age of 13.

The post title image includes various pieces of writing from my personal diary of this time frame.

This was a tricky little post.Please read with an open heart.

Hello there you lovely lot!

Todays blog post is a personal one to say the least. It is a letter to my younger self at the age of 13.
This was a time that i would class as at its worst and a stage of my life that was at a peak before finally leaving my abuser.

I often think about myself from under the age of 14 as a completely seperate person. I don’t think i can quite fathom that it all happened to me and compared to my life now it just doesn’t seem real. Yes,I write under the topic of abuse and talk about the ins and outs of it quite often but that true remembrance and remembering detailed parts, well not so much. With this it was really important for me to do this post as with the hustle and bustle of every day life i almost forget that this is where i came from.

This is so incredibly raw and many tears were shed over writing it. (Believe me)

Enjoy!

Dear Jessica Emily Ne****,

Little one, and oh how little you now seem. The date is 4th April 2017 and you’re currently 22 years of age. I felt the need to write to you. I don’t know why, its just somehow seems the right time. You could call it a pep talk or just some handy advice. What ever you decide to call it lets face it kid, you need it.

Lets set the scene. 2011 mid April some time, someone will sit you down look you straight in the eye and call you one of the bravest people in the world. Right now, well you will think thats some sort of a joke. Right now you think there’s no way out of this. To you, this will last forever.

Things are intensely tough and you are intensely afraid. You’re afraid of failure,afraid of rejection afraid of what the future holds. You can’t understand why she does the things she does. You can’t understand why nobody else’s life seems this way.

Life is a war zone for you. Ducking,diving and constantly trying to manage her behaviour to prevent the worst happening to you and to others. At such a young age you’re teaching people what and what not to say to her to prevent uproar. That constant management and watching every step you take and every word you say plagues your daily life.

Your ears are constantly filled with the sounds of banging, crashing and things smashing. Her cries,prayers and screams from the next room fill your head.Is she hurting herself or will it only be moments before she comes crashing into your room to hurt you?

Oh how her behaviour baffles you and rightly so. Why does she do the things she does? why does she behave like this? Why is she trying to destroy you? Right now,nobody understands her behaviour. One day it will all become clear and funnily enough you may eventually become the only person to actually understand it.

They will tell you you’re depressed, suicidal and riddled with anxiety but little one, you’re only a product of your circumstances.Please don’t take to heart them ridiculing you with labels. They don’t know you, they don’t know what you’re going through. Living in your head may actually be the safest thing for you right now. Its giving you a break from the daily war zone thats currently your life and allows you to dream that someday life may be different for you.

You may think nobody knows what you’re going through but many do. They don’t know how to deal with her either. People know that you shouldn’t be in this situation but basically its really damn hard to get you out. Nobody wants to face her and start asking questions. Even you know that’s the wrong thing to do.

The most important thing you can do is keep yourself safe. However you are able to do that. Those that see your actions as ‘naughty behaviour’ oh they don’t know why you’re doing it. They don’t know how strongly you’re trying to protect your small fragile little body. Let her tell them how naughty you are. Let her tell them about your behaviour. Though this self defense business honestly isn’t your strongest point,if it softens the blow a little,do it. Gee,I never thought id tell anyone to fight, but fight with all your might.

If you think My chemical romance are saving you, hold on to them. Believe in them with every part of you if that’s whats going to get your through this. If you can only sleep at night whilst listening to them, listen to them. You need all the sleep you can get to tackle this little war. Live sleep and breath them. Hold onto them and never let them go.

Though its important to hold onto anything you can,don’t let it take away your shine. Dont let it take away from the fact you’re doing an awful lot yourself. Somehow, you are waking up every morning and somehow you manage to get through each and every day.

There is a reason you choose to fight. Something inside you knows why you need to be here. Oh little one, how beautiful the future is. This is why you need to be here. To get there may be tough and you may need more strength than you’ve ever used but you will pluck it out of somewhere. You wont know where, but it will happen.

Your future is incredibly bright. You’re going to meet some wonderful people and travel to some wonderful places. You will meet people who will teach you the ways of the world. All those little gaps you needed filling all those questions unanswered. You’re going to learn about how and why all this happened to you and even teach others why they might be going through this too. (Yes,there are others going through this!)

In years to come you will still be called little one but instead of surrounding yourself with the comfort of the title you will hold your head up high and tell those around you that “actually you’re pretty good at doing things yourself and actually you don’t need help” Strong, resilient and oh so very independent. All those words you would never think would be associated with you.

You will find even more strength from all these things you have managed to conquer. All these little wars that somehow haven’t defeated you. You will become independent and free. You will appreciate all the little things that just didn’t exist to you before.The sun will shine like you have never seen it. Birds will sing like you have never heard them. Trees will become beautiful tall green statues sheltering your little eyes from the sun. Your dark cloud will be lifted and you will see a whole new world.

Now all you have to do is continue this fight.

Stay strong, little one. Please just try to stay strong.

xo

What would you say to your younger self?.

xox

littlestlady

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