My Own Personal Battles.

Below is a list of the struggles that i faced after going through some traumatic events and how i dealt with them.
I engaged in several forms of therapy to conquer these including Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I also engaged in a lot of forms of self help and studied the topics related to what i had.

To those who have no experience with any of these topics these things will seem extremely odd but i ask you to continue reading with respect and an open heart. These things i did due to my abuse and the extent of it.

These things i am sharing to show how extreme things got for me and the contrast to now.
I now lead a ‘normal’ (as normal as i can get) life. I complete no OCD rituals during the day and suffer no forms of mental health difficulties.

After leaving the last form of therapy i was told that i no longer had or could be classed as having any form of mental health disorders.


Obsessive compulsive disorder:

My Personal Battle

In 2011 i started showing symptoms of OCD after suffering long term abuse from my main abuser and leaving their care. After this i suffered two assaults from two others sources. This left my OCD getting more severe by the day.

Eventually i ended up getting my own home and no longer was in any direct danger.Though you would think that because i was no longer in any danger things would get better,but oh how they got worse!

At the most severe part of my OCD i was completing my rituals for approximately 5 hours a day.
It left me unable to leave the house as i was terrified that something was going to happen to my ‘safe place’

A list of my checking routine at its worst and before i started CBT:

**My routines were all surrounded around checking. I was terrified that i had left my door open or that it was unlocked. I was also terrified that i was either going to flood the whole house or set it on fire.

Hallway

♥ Door (Going out) Pattern of 3, 3 times. Sometime 6 or 9
♥ Door (When in) Pattern of 3, 3 times. Sometime 6 or 9

Bathroom

♥ Sink tap Pattern of 3, 3 times. Sometime 6 or 9
♥ Light Pattern of 3, 3 times. Sometime 6 or 9

Bedroom

♥ Hairdryer 2-3 times
♥ Hair straighteners 2-3 times
♥ Light 2-3 times
♥ Plugs 2-3 times
♥ Hairspray/anything flammable 2-3 times
♥ Clothes 2-3 times

Kitchen

♥ Bunny food 2-3 times
♥ Cooker 2-3 times
♥ Switches 2-3 times

Lounge

♥ Bunnies 10-15 times
♥ Plugs 2-3 times

How I Conquered It

When my OCD started it was almost manageable and something i felt i needed to keep me safe.After getting my own home it was more than a burden on my life. I was spending that many hours checking things before i left the house that eventually i gave up even attempting to get out.

I was recommend a CBT therapist by my GP and was told she was one of the best and also had the same views and outlooks as me.

My therapist was a true gem, a wonder of a person and i think i had found someone on as much of a mission as me.

She wanted to prove to those higher up than her that OCD wasn’t something that could be drugged up and forgotten about. She wanted to prove that with management skills and knowledge of OCD people could live a ‘normal’ life. As i was already a determined little bean finding the therapist i did couldn’t of been better. I knew i diddnt want to live like i was and was willing to throw my all into anything.

During my journey i learnt even more about the world i grew up in. I learnt about why i was completing these rituals and learnt step by step that things were okay to be left. Though my therapy was only 2 days a week the other 5 were spent documenting,watching my behavior and challenging myself. Every little feeling and every urge to complete a ritual i documented to get to the bottom of what i was doing. To say it was hard would be an understatement. I remember that feeling of pure exhaustion so clearly. OCD was taking up all of my brain space normally but my word, trying to manage it was double the battle.

After several months of therapy and a long day of a mixture of tears and clapping, i was discharged.
A copy of my original diagnosis and diagnosis on leaving was sent to my therapists manager and all the documentation i had showing my progression towards full management of my OCD.

Several weeks later i was contacted by my therapist with tears of joy as i was told she was no longer just a therapist but in fact had replaced the person she was trying to prove wrong and had become manager of the mental health services in my county.

*Bows*

IMPORTANT!

You can never fully get rid of Obsessive compulsive disorder,i will always have it.

My OCD is managed to a point where i can live a life like i don’t have it.
Several times after first finishing my therapy obsessive thought would pop up telling me i should do something. Due to my CBT i now have the skills to push that thought away and not continue with my previous behavior. Since pushing the obsessive thoughts away, they have become less regular.


Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Writing:

My Personal Battle

Shortly after my first OCD symptoms started showing i noticed my need to rewrite things i had written.
Like my main form of OCD it progressed rapidly and eventually i gave up writing all together.

My writing felt a mess, an abomination, an absolute catastrophe.

I felt like not a thing was right with it. Capital letters weren’t big enough, the spaces in between words were too small, my handwriting was a mess. You name it, i felt it.

As most things are online now its hard to understand how much of an impact not writing could have,but it completely turned my life around.
I couldn’t work as i was too embarrassed, i couldn’t sign documents,I couldn’t even write a shopping list as i was so worried that if someone caught sight of it they would say “HA HA look at this ones writing” and the whole shop would start pointing and laughing.

Yes i know, bit extreme yack yack yack …. but it was how i felt!

How I Conquered It

During the therapy i had for my main OCD i was told the writing situation was part OCD and partly what i had instilled into me as a young bean.

It had come from the need for perfection and constantly being told the perfection of my abuser on the daily.
I even remember being asked the dreaded question of “Did my abuser do everything perfectly?” and replying “yes” quickly shaking it off as a “no”. I remember the shocked look on my therapists face,my feeling of ‘I actually just said that’ and then both having a good chuckle. Though i was so far from my abuser, my word had they still got me conditioned.

Slowly i was taught to write again from the very beginning. I completed small writing tasks every day and even would scribble and draw on the page to teach myself that it was okay to do so and that perfection wasn’t actually a thing.

I can now write pen to paper no trouble and actually love writing now.
With working in nursing i write a large amount of notes each day, i complete my planner pages daily and can even write a shopping list,horrah!


Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

My Personal Battle

Undiagnosable – I was first told i had PTSD when i left my main abuser at age 14.Those with PTSD feel frightened even when there is no danger and often feel like a danger may happen when there is no intention of it. For me,those dangers were happening. I went from my main abuse, to sexual abuse and then to two assaults all in such a short amount of time. My GP was a mixture of ‘im not surprised this is happening’ and ‘this is PTSD’

It was only after my therapy for OCD did i realise that i still had some symptoms of PTSD and what my symptoms of PTSD were before.

One of my symptoms and the one that was most noticeable couldn’t of been more random.
Jumping. Jumping was actually one of my main symptoms. Every little damn noise i jumped at. A cough,a sneeze,a door shutting. Even noises that i knew were going to happen.I could sit and watch a door shutting and then still jump about it anyway.

I was pretty much the female version of Tigger.

All my symptoms were around noises. Loud angry horrible noises. I was even TERRIFIED of the vacuum and would go and stand out in the street if anyone needed to vacuum. The constant noise seemed to sound so angry, loud and aggressive that my little brain just couldn’t take it.

How I Conquered It

I first started looking at this with my therapist for OCD as she picked up on it but eventually got lead to someone else to discuss it further.

I learnt that it was all connected to my childhood and that my brain had connected each sound with danger and almost like a warning call for me to act. See,my house was either deathly silent or extremely loud. Banging doors,things being smashed and shouting were all things i heard on a daily. This left me in constant flight mode to act after every little noise.

It was all about training this tiny brain of mine to realise that there was nothing to be scared of anymore. This also came with the management for my OCD too as i had to learn that the whole house wasn’t going to blow up and there wasn’t need for all these actions anymore.


conquered

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